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In cases like this, a school teacher, guidance counselor, family doctor -- someone your child likes and trusts -- may have more luck than you in trying to discern what's really going on with your child. "Many children hide their feelings from their parents because they feel they'll be hurting and overburdening them with their emotions," says Joan E. Massaquoi, a divorce mediator and psychotherapist in private practice in Chicago. "They feel that if they open up to their parents, they will be putting more stress on them. They keep everything locked inside because they feel the need to protect their parent." In the meantime While some children make it through their parents' divorce relatively easily, others can feel the after-effects of a divorce for months and even years later, suffering socially, emotionally, and academically. The reasons some children cope better than others are as varied as the children themselves. However, research indicates that the lasting effects of divorce on children usually occur when a divorce is particularly difficult. If parents are fighting and are filled with anger and hurt, they generally don't supply their kids with the kind of consistent care they need -- especially at emotionally trying times. Experts agree that the best way parents can help their children cope with a divorce is to plan from the outset to keep the hostility and bitterness to a minimum before, during, and after the actual divorce proceedings. "Try to reassure them that although there are going to be changes in their lives, the changes won't all be bad," says Anderson. "Take their concerns seriously and provide them with lots of reassurance of your love for them." Above all, remember that you can't make your children happy, or speed up their grieving process. Provided with support, love, and consistent care, most children eventually adjust to divorce by themselves.
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