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 A CHILD'S REACTION |
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Dr. Lofas
points out that children may be less than thrilled about their parent
marrying someone new. "They've experienced the losses of their original
family and one biological parent," she explains. "Stepparents need to know
that some of the things kids say are normal. They see themselves as rivals
for love: 'who comes first, daddy, the new wife, or me?'"
Some
anger, sadness, or acting out is perfectly normal for children of divorce.
As a stepparent, you need to stay calm, kind, and adult in the face of
outbursts -- and to avoid getting "hooked" by the hurtful things your
stepchildren say or do to you. They have a right to their feelings -- but
they do not have a right to be verbally or physically abusive to you. "Be
very kind to your stepchildren, and validate any feelings they may be
having about their parents' divorce, but do not be a doormat," recommends
Diana Shepherd, editor of this magazine and stepmother of three. "Make it
crystal-clear that you expect to be treated with the same courtesy you
extend to them. This is definitely a two-way street: if you're rude to
them, you can expect rudeness in return. So establish ground-rules early
on about what is -- and what is not -- acceptable behavior."
Shepherd also recommends taking parenting counseling with your
partner. "It's really important that you're on the same page in terms of
your expectations. Talking to a parent about his/her children can be a
delicate matter, and arguments about the kids can cause a rift in your
relationship. A parenting counselor can give you objective advice based on
years of training and experience. The counselor isn't on your side or your
spouse's side: he/she is looking at what's best for the children." This
objective advice tends to turn down the heat in discussions about
hot-button issues such as discipline.
The biological parent should
always be the head disciplinarian, so don't expect to immediately become
an authority figure to your partner's children. According to Dr. Marshall,
"you can't get too involved with discipline too soon, because that's
almost inviting children to say, 'you're not my father/mother! You can't
tell me what to do!' You do need to have a measure of authority as an
adult, but you have to ease into parenting, developing your role slowly.
Children accept their biological parents first because they have met the
kids' needs and taken care of them. When the natural parents exercise
discipline, it's based on an emotional attachment, an established
relationship."
Stepfamily dynamics
"It's important
not to diminish the biological, non-residential parent in any way,"
Messinger says. "The children have a right to that parent's love."
Ex-spouses will still be linked to each other via their children -- as
will uncles, aunts, cousins, and grandparents. "You must develop a family
plan for a second marriage: think of all the ties the kids have," advises
Messinger.
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